Terms of Service
by Jack Hargreave
Summary: The Dragonborn has compiled a list of terms for his companions to sign before he allows them to join his party. Lydia is a bit concerned by what she reads.
1. Terms of Service

"**All right, I'm back, and this time… wait… where did everybody go?" **

**I'm not much of a Skyrim player, but I felt inspired to write this after watching my brother play more of the game. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skyrim or the Elder Scrolls in any way.**

…

_**Terms of Service **_

…

Lydia stared at the extensive stack of paper her new Thane had handed to her mere seconds after she had introduced herself. The Dragonborn merely nodded to the yellowed pages and handed the young woman a quill with some ink.

…

_**The following terms of service/statements applies to all Dragonborn companions, regardless of gender, race, religious/political ideals and/or origin (yes, I know you may have grown up in these parts, and no, I don't care). The Dragonborn may also choose to ignore/change/disregard any of these terms whenever he/she chooses to do so. Any conflicting opinions from the companions will be completely ignored. **_

…

1: I lack any sort of personality and shouldn't make an effort to get one.

1.5: However, if I do have one, I'll lose it shortly after joining the party, and won't try to stand out of the crowd in any way.

2: Killing the Thalmor on sight is mandatory, no matter which side I support in the civil war.

2.5: This doesn't apply inside cities.

3: I won't be revived or helped in any way after/during combat if I demanded money for my services before enlisting to the party. I have the money to buy health potions after all.

4: Flattery will get me far; sarcasm will get me looking for new employment.

5: I must wear whatever the Dragonborn asks me to put on, no matter how revealing or skimpy it may look on me. The Dragonborn _will_ make hands-on inspections to ensure that the clothes _fit_ perfectly.

5.5: As a female party member, I'm required to wear Forsworn armor whenever we find one. It _looks_ good on me, and is the _perfect_ disguise in the westernmost parts of Skyrim.

6: I am sworn to carry whatever loot the Dragonborn asks me to carry, no matter how heavy and/or worthless it may seem. That goes double for the housecarls.

7: I am expected to fight and (if necessary) die for the Dragonborn in combat, no matter if I fight a skeever or a dragon.

7.5: This applies to hold guards as well, even if they happen to come from my hometown.

7.5.5: This applies to _any_ member of _any_ faction.

8: The Dragonborn isn't brain damaged, but pointing out the surrounding is always helpful, and finding quicker paths up to mountaintops is always appreciated for future adventures in the area.

9: The Dragonborn may seem to forget my existence for hours, but _I am_ expected to compliment him/her whenever I'm addressed, even if we're just going to trade gear.

10: I'm expected to mention the Dragonborn in my last will. I probably died because I stepped in front of his/her attack anyway, hence causing damage to weapons and/or wasting mana that could have been used to set things on fire.

11: I will not interfere with anything the Dragonborn may decide to do, even if it's "against the law". In fact, I'm supposed to help at the best of my abilities in such events (I would not want to end up in a dark torture chamber outside Dawnstar after all).

12: I know that the Dragonborn always have a plan, no matter how spontaneous/clueless our travels may seem.

13: Killing animals is a legitimate pastime, goats in particular.

…

Lydia looked up from the first page with a pale face. Questions tore into her poor head like a raging blizzard. _What in Sovngarde's name is this? Who is this new Thane?_ She felt dizzy when she realized that this was just the first page. She hesitantly turned to the next page… there were much more to come.

…

**Not much, but I was in the mood to do something spontaneous (like most Skyrim players I suppose). **

**Feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions (constructive of course, but that goes without saying).**

**Cheers and Merry Christmas from Jack Hargreave. **


	2. Terms of Service II

**Alright, I'm back with more antics of the Dragonborn!**

**Thanks for the support, guys and gals, I really appreciate it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skyrim or any other commercial property mentioned and/or hinted at in this story. **

…

_**Terms of Service II**_

…

Lydia sank down on a nearby bench as she started to read the next page. The words formed statements she'd never thought she'd see in the same sentence. _Dear gods, what have I gotten myself into…?_

…

14: The Dwemer never were and never will be "dwarves", and I may never refer to them as such. Dwarves are hairy critters that lives in caves and cares for gold over anything else. The Dwemer were steam-punk elves, and nothing will convince me otherwise.

15: I'm to follow the dragonborn wherever he wishes to go. Through ice and fire, over mountains and through seas. That doesn't mean we're going to Solstheim in the near future, but it also doesn't mean we're not going there.

16: There is no shame in running away from hairy naked men whenever I see one, and saying otherwise is a lie.

17: I'll keep my religions to myself.

17.5: Except when the Dragonborn expects me to say otherwise and agree with him in the proximity of priests and/or holy men/women.

17.5.5: This also applies to worshiping the deadra, and speaking up against it won't earn me any favors. You never know which artifact needs to be recharged with a grand soul after all.

18: "Smaug's coming!" means that a dragon is approaching and will probably attempt to roast us.

18.5: My ranged attacks against Smaug (dragons) are useless, but the Dragonborn appreciates the show of effort.

19: The Dragonborn is very perceptive and won't make stupid mistakes like walking into traps.

19.5: If he/she does, that's because it's all part of the plan.

20: The Dragonborn may refer to something called Valhalla. That is the same place as Sovngarde, and there is no reason for me to get confused.

21: I'm to ask the Dragonborn first before I try to consume any carcass that met its end by a well-placed fire-spell.

21.5: This only applies to beasts and animals.

22: Discretion is required from me concerning the Dragonborn and the people he meets. Dealing with dragons is has been unprecedented for centuries, meaning that he/she may conduct clandestine meetings with people/groups with questionable morals.

22.5: This IS for the better good, even if it may seem we're simply assassinating the innocent village idiot in some backwater settlement in the middle of nowhere.

23: Singing "Sail away" while traveling by boat is completely normal, and so is any song in any way of transportation. Another example being but not limited to "rawhide" while we travel by wagon.

24: Being a Dragonborn may be equivalent a glorified courier (sometimes), but that doesn't mean I'll say that out loud (or anyone in particular in fact).

24.5: Especially in an inn.

25: There is a "Lady of Pain", and the Dragonborn is right to fear her no matter what I think.

…

Lydia reached for a nearby bottle of Nord mead. She didn't know where it came from or cared in any way. She was way too sober for this kind of thing…

…

**So, some hints at other games and stuff this time, gold star to the one who can point out the most.**

**Once again: feel free to leave your thoughts; those make my day.**

**I hope you had a merry Yule, and I hope you'll have a happy new year. **


	3. Terms of Service III

**The Dragonborn's list isn't over yet.**

**Thanks for the support once again, I really appreciate it.**

**You**** guys are awesome!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skyrim or any other commercial product mentioned below. **

…

_**Terms of Service III**_

…

Lydia lowered the tenth bottle of mead and let it fall to the floor. The bottle rolled across the floor until it collided with a guard's boot and came to a sudden stop. She felt tipsy and knew she wouldn't be able to walk straight for the rest of the night.

_Yes, I'm ready to read the rest of these absurd terms_, she thought with a triumphant smirk.

Boy was she wrong…

…

26: I will not panic if I wake up with bite marks on my necks.

26.5: I will however seek out a shrine as soon as possible. Seriously, as SOON as possible.

27: I'm free to do as I like whenever we're out on adventures, but that doesn't mean I should do whatever strikes my mind.

28: I'm to be quiet when the Dragonborn speaks to other people. Commenting on a nearby cave and interrupting a conversation will only prolong said conversation.

29: Hunting down Nirnroots may be boring, but my help is greatly appreciated.

30: The Dragonborn doesn't necessary have a dog just because he/she smells like one.

30.5: This applies in particular on rainy days.

31: I'm to prevent everyone from hitting any chickens during combat. You never know if they'll explode…

31.5: Seriously, don't ask…

32: I'm to give the Dragonborn any golden rings I come across no matter how insignificant it may look. You never know which one may turn out to be the one ring.

33: I have enough will to fight if I got enough will to sit on my knees in combat.

34: I'm to keep childhood memories and such things to myself. Someone has already said what I got to say after all.

35: The Dragonborn is right to call Blackreach for "Underdark", it's under the surface, and it's dark in there.

35.5: The term "Dungeons & Dragons" also applies here considering that it's a dungeon with a dragon.

36: The Dragonborn isn't illiterate, try to pronounce the names of the Dwemer cities yourself.

…

Lydia reached for her eleventh bottle of mead. She was still way too sober for these terms to make sense!

…

**Shorter than usual, but that's about it for now.**

**Hope I made you laugh, that'd make my day. **

**Leave a comment and let me know what you think.**


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